How to support the siblings of Autistic children?
Family systems are beautifully complex, intricate systems that nurture and help the growth of children. While looking after children can often feel like a daunting task in itself, the arrival of children with special needs like autism can often make the parenting journey more challenging. As adults, it is important that while we manage diverse roles and responsibilities we don’t forget to equip siblings of these children to manage the various unique challenges they too might be facing. Through this blog, let’s try to better understand the various practical strategies and empathetic approaches that parents and caregivers can employ to effectively support the siblings of autistic children. By implementing thoughtful, consistent, and proactive measures, families can cultivate an environment where all children not only thrive individually but also develop strong, healthy, and supportive relationships with one another.
Understanding the Sibling Experience: A Multifaceted Reality
Being the sibling of an autistic child is a complex experience that is typically regarded as being very rewarding and challenging at the same time. For one thing, siblings often acquire amazing traits like deep compassion, more independence, amazing tolerance, and a strong ability to respond to the needs of others. They typically show wisdom beyond their years, a deep appreciation of variety, and a loyalty that never wavers. They may have a very rich and profound perspective on the world from their distinct point of view. But this experience can also be hard in its own way. At different times, siblings may feel a wide range of feelings, from sorrow, worry, and confusion to envy over parental attention, irritation with communication problems, or even humiliation in social circumstances. It is quite normal and acceptable for siblings to feel a wide range of emotions about their familial circumstances. The first and most important step in giving good support is to understand and accept these complicated feelings. Parents need to know that these feelings don’t signal diminished endearment; they’re just a normal reaction to a family situation that is different from others.
The Power of Communication: Explaining Autism to Siblings
One of the most powerful tools in strengthening sibling relationships and fostering understanding is open, honest, and continuous communication about autism. Below are a few effective strategies and methods to communicate better with your children and strengthen the sibling bond.
- Early and Ongoing Conversations: It is advisable that you begin conversations about autism as soon as you believe your children are old enough to understand, or as soon as they start noticing differences in their sibling’s behavior compared to other children. These conversations should not be a one-time event but rather an ongoing dialogue that evolves as your children grow and their capacity for understanding increases. As they mature, they will inevitably ask more complex questions and require more nuanced information.
- Providing Accurate Information: Conversations about autism ensure that your children receive accurate information, which can significantly reduce anxiety, confusion, and misconceptions. It also provides an invaluable opportunity to talk about embracing neurodiversity within your family, teaching them that differences are natural and valuable.
- Seeing the Whole Person: It’s vital to help your other children see their autistic sibling as a whole person, not just defined by their diagnosis. Discussing what autism means for your autistic child should include highlighting their strengths and unique abilities—such as a remarkable memory, a keen eye for detail, or a unique artistic talent—alongside the challenges they might face, like sensory sensitivities or difficulties in social communication. This balanced perspective fosters respect and appreciation.
- Tailoring the Message Adapt your language and ideas to your children’s age and developmental stage. For example, to a younger child, you might say, “Arjun’s brain works a little differently, so he might play or talk in his own way.” For an older child, you might explain, “Autism means Arjun processes information differently, which can make loud places overwhelming for him, but it also means he has an incredible focus on things he loves.”
- Active Listening and Validation: Encourage questions and be prepared to explain things multiple times. Validate their observations and feelings without judgment. If they say, “Why does John always play by himself?” you can respond with, “That’s a good question. Sometimes John prefers to play alone, and that’s okay, just like sometimes you like to play alone too.”
- Utilizing Resources: Books about autism can be incredibly helpful tools to facilitate these discussions. Reading books, such as “All My Stripes” by Shaina Rudolph and Alison Singer, “The Superhero Heart” by Christel Land, or “My Brother Charlie” by Holly Robinson Peete and Ryan Elizabeth Peete, can provide relatable narratives and spark conversations in a gentle way.
Nurturing Individual Relationships: Making Special Time
In the bustling life of a family with an autistic child, it’s easy for the needs of the autistic child to sometimes take precedence, often requiring more parental time, energy, and resources. While this is often necessary, it can inadvertently leave other siblings feeling overlooked or less important.
- Individualized Attention: It is profoundly beneficial for all children to have consistent one-on-one time with their parents, but it is especially helpful for siblings of autistic children. This dedicated time sends an unequivocal message that each child is special, their feelings and experiences are valid, and they are loved for who they are, independent of their sibling’s needs.
- Boosting Confidence and Belonging: Receiving individual attention significantly boosts a child’s confidence and strengthens their sense of belonging within the family. When children feel positive about themselves and secure in their parents’ love, they are better equipped to navigate the complexities of their sibling relationship and develop a stronger bond.
Practical Ideas for Special Time
- Daily Rituals: Even small, consistent moments can make a big difference. This could be a bedtime story, a 10-minute chat before school, or simply acknowledging some of the good things that your child did during the day, everyday.
- Focused Listening: When your child wants to tell you something, stop what you are doing, make eye contact, and be fully present as you listen to them. This non-verbal communication reinforces their importance.
- Special Activities: Plan regular “dates” with individual children. This doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive; it could be a trip to the park, baking cookies together, going to the library, or watching a favorite movie along with them. The key focus here is uninterrupted time that you spend with them.
- Utilizing Support: If possible, arrange for a trusted relative or friend to look after your autistic child for a few hours or a weekend. This can give you an opportunity to dedicate uninterrupted, quality time to your other children, allowing them to fully engage without the usual family demands.
Fostering Shared Bonds: Fun and Interaction
While individual attention is vital, it’s equally important to create opportunities for all siblings to connect and have fun together. Siblings of autistic children generally hold positive feelings towards their brothers or sisters, but their relationships might not always be as close as they could be due to the social communication challenges often associated with autism.
- Identifying Shared Interests: One effective way to encourage closer relationships is to actively look for ways that all your children can play, have fun, and interact together. This might involve observing what activities all your children genuinely enjoy, regardless of their developmental differences. For example, they might all enjoy sensory play with sand or water, building with blocks or LEGOs, playing simple board games, or engaging in physical activities like basketball or swinging.
- Adapting Activities: Be prepared to adapt activities to suit different abilities and communication styles. The goal is engagement and positive interaction, not perfect adherence to rules. Focus on the joy of shared experience.
- Creating Opportunities: Schedule regular “family fun time” where the focus is simply on enjoyment and connection. This could be a weekly game night, a weekend outing to a favorite park, or simply dedicated free play time at home.
- Highlighting Positive Interactions: Point out moments of positive interaction between siblings. “It makes me so happy to see you two laughing together!” or “You did a great job helping your brother with that puzzle.” This reinforces desired behaviors and helps siblings recognize the value in their shared moments.
Building a Fair Foundation: Rules, Roles, and Responsibilities
For all children to feel valued and contribute positively to family life, it’s essential to establish a framework of fairness and consistency. This encourages a sense of teamwork and teaches all children, including the autistic child, valuable life skills and promotes independence.
- Fair and Consistent Rules: Where possible, establish family rules that are consistent and apply to all children. While accommodations may be necessary for the autistic child due to their specific needs, the underlying principles of respect, safety, and kindness should be universal. For example, “We use kind words” applies to everyone.
- Encouraging Positive Behavior: Implement strategies to encourage positive behavior across all your children. This could involve praise, reward systems, or clear expectations. Consistency in applying these strategies is key.
- Consistent Handling of Challenging Behavior: It’s important to be fair and consistent when addressing aggressive or hurtful behavior from any of your children. While the reasons behind challenging behaviors in an autistic child might differ, the consequences for harming another person should be clear and consistent, tailored to their understanding.
- Age-Appropriate Chores and Tasks: Assign tasks and chores that are suitable for each child’s age, developmental stage, strengths, and abilities. This teaches responsibility and contributes to the smooth functioning of the household. For an autistic child, this might involve visual schedules or breaking tasks into smaller steps. For other siblings, it demonstrates that everyone plays a part, fostering a sense of shared contribution.
Navigating Emotions: Managing Challenging Feelings in Siblings
It is entirely natural and common for siblings of autistic children to experience a range of challenging or negative feelings at different times. These feelings are not a reflection of their love for their sibling but rather a normal human response to complex situations. Recognizing and addressing these emotions is critical for their emotional well-being.
Common Challenging Feelings
- Jealousy: Over the disproportionate amount of time and attention parents may need to dedicate to their autistic sibling.
- Discouragement/Frustration: If their sibling doesn’t seem to respond to play invitations or engage in typical sibling interactions.
- Anger: If they perceive differential treatment or if their sibling’s behaviors disrupt their own activities or plans.
- Stress: Due to increased responsibilities at home or school, or due to a perceived need to “be the good child.”
- Protectiveness: Towards their sibling, often coupled with anger if others make fun of them.
- Embarrassment: In public settings due to their sibling’s behaviors that draw unwanted attention.
- Guilt: For feeling embarrassed, angry, or resentful about their sibling.
- Worry: About the family’s stability, parental stress, or a future caregiving role.
- Resentment: About a perceived future responsibility for their sibling.
Acknowledging and Validating Feelings
The most important step is to be aware of your children’s feelings and acknowledge them without judgment. If your child says, “I hate playing with Sitara because she always takes my toys,” a validating response could be, “That must be really frustrating when Sitara takes your toys. I understand why you feel that way.” This simple acknowledgment makes them feel seen and heard. While having conversations with your youngster, try creating a safe space for them to pour out their thoughts and emotions without the pressure of being judged or ridiculed. Reassure them that it’s normal to feel emotions like anger, frustration, irritation and so on. Help them model healthy emotional expression by your own actions and words. You can share your own frustrations and feelings with them; these honest and open conversations can help your child bond with you more while also learning important life lessons on emotional regulation and importance social support. Also encourage your child to cultivate hobbies and interests that can serve as a positive outlet for their feelings such as journaling, writing, drawing, painting or engaging in physical activity.
In conclusion, supporting the siblings of autistic children is an ongoing journey that requires empathy, patience, and proactive strategies. It involves creating a family environment where every child’s individuality is celebrated, their feelings are validated, and their unique needs are met. By prioritizing open communication, dedicating special one-on-one time, fostering shared moments of joy, establishing fair family dynamics, addressing challenging emotions head-on, and leveraging external support networks, parents can empower all their children to navigate their relationships with love, understanding, and resilience. The goal is not to eliminate challenges, but to equip every sibling with the tools and support system they need to thrive, forging strong, compassionate bonds that enrich the entire family for a lifetime.
Written by
Ms. Diya S. Srinivas
Psychologist
MSc Psychology
