How to Talk to Your Child:  Mastering their Secret Language

“Why is it so much easier to handle my partner’s or friend’s mood swings than my own child’s?”

Do you feel this too? Do you often feel like giving up while trying to crack the code to your child’s complicated emotional alphabet?

Here’s the truth: Your little explorer is just as confused as you are about these new feelings they’re experiencing. And that is where you step up as their superhero: It’s simple; you’re their compass, helping them navigate through the emotional seas, guiding them through the ups and downs.

/But before we dive in, there is something you should keep in mind:

Every child is unique in their own way. Think of them as the various dishes on an onam sadya leaf. Each one of them takes a different amount of time to prepare, and while they have a lot of similar ingredients, they taste totally different from one another. //

Most often, children like to choose the most ambiguous ways to express their emotions, leaving us completely clueless in the process — And that’s okay.

You’ve either only begun the journey of parenting your little one, or you’re in a mess struggling to catch up with them. But it’s never too late to connect with them. Every move is a fresh start.  (Trust me, you’ll get there.)

This mini guide here wishes to be your friend:

1. Why the Long Face?

The first one is the easiest: At the innocent phase of their lives, children are not yet accustomed to the idea of hiding emotions with a “mask” (or a forced smile) as we are. Their facial expressions speak just the current emotions they are experiencing. A smile indicates happiness, frown indicates anger or confusion and so on.

If you were to smile at your child, they are more likely to smile back. This interaction through facial expressions ensures the first step to a smooth flow of information.

2. Don’t see; Observe

Pay close attention to your child’s body language. Are they fidgeting? Avoiding eye contact? Clenching their fists? The foundation of understanding stems from your presence of mind. The moment you catch a sight of expression of any kind, pause, drop your phone or other distractions, and focus on them and them alone.

3. Toy Story

The best and most interesting time to study your child is during their playtime. Notice their choice of toys, the way they interact with others, and the themes their stories revolve around.

• The Leave-Me-Alone: Some children prefer to play alone. This isn’t to be seen as a negative trait, as they could possibly be introverted or shy, or they simply enjoy solo

• The More the Merrier: Some, on the other hand, have an inherent desire to connect with others. They engage in cooperativeplay and use their social skills to express feelings of belonging and teamwork.

• The Boss: There are children who exhibit dominant behavior, such as bossing others around or taking control of the game or the toys. This need to assert themselves may arise out of insecurities.

• Pretend-Play: A study by Rubin et al. found that children who engaged in complex forms of play like socio dramatic play (role-playing), were more likely to exhibit empathy, prosocial behaviors, and positive emotional adjustment.

4. All Ears: Give Them the Floor

Now that the show is on, the most crucial part of your role is right here – Active listening. Look into their eyes, pay full attention to what they’re saying (meaning no phones inside the 1 metre radius around you!), ask clarifying questions, paraphrase what they’re trying to convey to show that you’re listening, and reflect back their feelings.

• But Why You?

According to the Attachment Theory by John Bowlby, we are born with a need to create bonds with our caregivers. These early bonds form the foundation for emotional development, and may continue to have an influence on attachments throughout life.

5. The Emotion Chart

“It sounds like you’re feeling really upset about that,” is exactly what they’re looking for to know they’re heard and understood. Help your child identify and label their emotions. Use words, illustrations, or any tool that floats their boat.

It is the next building block of your relationship. Even if you don’t agree with their perspective, nod like you agree and see the world from their shoes. By validating emotions, they’re more likely to trust and seek your support in the future.

Eisenberg et al.’s research shows how parents who were emotionally responsive to their children’s emotions were more likely to have raised socially competent, emotionally adjusted, and empathetic children.

6. Bring Out the Picasso

Art is a free world. Whether you’re happy, sad, angry or scared, it’s a safe space to explore and express creativity, imagination and possibilities, especially for children. Who knows – their doodles or paintings could reveal tonnes of untold emotions.

Plus, the idea of experimenting with different materials and techniques will boost problem-solving skills.

7. Always Keep Track

Be aware of changes in your child’s behavior. Are they becoming more withdrawn, irritable, or clingy? Are there eating or sleeping patterns constant? These changes may indicate underlying emotional issues.

For instance, stress can result from social pressure like bullying or academics.

8. Leave the Door Open

Do their questions ever surprise you or leave you in thoughts? An open-mic culture is what you should aim for. Forget cultural nuances and expectations that limit children’s liberty to think out of the box. If society finds your child’s innocent questions disrespectful, turn it around by welcoming them with good, rational answers. While learning manners are as important, they’re not wrong to expect a supportive environment to feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment.

9. The Actual Mission

Look at every problem in their lives as an opportunity to slowly teach them life. How to bounce back from setbacks and challenges, cope with emotions through physical activity, art, meditation or through connecting with nature.

This will equip them with their own set of problem-solving skills, navigate their own way of coping, find their happy place, and foster a growth mindset.

This is a very long journey of discovery, and it’s truly rewarding. Remember two things: You are not alone in this journey, and that every child is unique. Patience is key, and empathy will follow.

You’re here, reading an article on how to talk to your child, which in itself is half the effort needed to get closer to your little one. You’re doing your best.

(Trust me, you’ll get there.)

*Do not hesitate to seek support from mental health professionals.

REFERENCES

Bowlby J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, 1. Basic Books.

Eisenberg, N., Cumberland, A., & Spinrad, T. L. (1998). Parental socialization of emotion. Psychological Inquiry, 9(4), 241–273. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327965pli0904_1

Rubin, K. H., Fein, G. A., & Vandenberg, B. (1983). Handbook of Child Psychology: Socialization, Personality, and Social Development: The relationship between children’s play and their emotional development, 4. John Wiley & Sons.

Tronick, E. Z. (1989). Emotions and emotional communication i